Nov 2016

 I would just like to formally apologize to the many many friends and family I pushed away in my attempt to make my marriage work. I played victim for a long time and my children, my friends, and many other family members suffered for it. I tried to convince myself it wasnt my fault and how could anyone get upset when I was trying to do the right thing?  I really wanted to keep my vows this time...in sickness and in health. I was wrong about it not being my fault. I owed it to my kids to actually stand up for myself and they suffered for it. My family couldn't stand to see the pain I was in and I watched them drop out of my life one by one. My friends were a shoulder to cry on over and over and I chose to keep the cycle going.  I wont do it again.  Sarah Dylan Brad Sydney keenen and Kevin I will never make you sit by and watch your mom live her life in pain again. I will choose to stand up for myself. ...for you.  Please forgive me.  To my family, Janice Tate Debbie Bissmeyer Ronald Betty Tucek and more who arent speaking to me yet please forgive me for causing so much pain that you were basically forced turn your back on me. I get it now really I do.  To my friends especially Cynthia and Justin I'm sorry you had to listen to me and see me hurt over and over and over. Thank you.  And for those that endured, stepping up to take care of me or my kids because of my selfishness Kaye Potter Cloey Kristine Norg Matt Hull Donna Ledbetter Mike Dustin Francis T Jones Quila Clay and i know there are more...thank you. I will pay you back someday. I am choosing a life now full of peace, prayer, happiness,  love, and staying true to myself.

May 2021

 I think the worst and best thing about me is that I fall in love with everyone. When I haven’t seen you in 10 years and I ask about your dog or your great auntie by name you will understand. I have been told I buy the best gifts because I think about all of you all the time. I do my absolute best to hold on to a good relationship with Sarah Justin Dylan Catie Jeremiah  Brad Sydney Maddy  keenen jr and Kevin. But the truth is every single one of those relationships is complicated and fragile. This doesn’t even begin to mention the people

I find most dear in my life like my sisters Cloey and Taylor, my May as well be sisters Lisa and Cynthia. Plus their kids. My dad John, and the list could go on and on. My nana Janice my wish she was still mom in law Charlene and of course her other half. Many people call and text and send smoke signals 20 times a day. They get upset with me when I don’t answer or can’t seem to make the time to pay attention to them even for a second. I’m spread too thin guys. Between trying to be a good mom and work and be a good friend and keep my life on track and by god stay clean... I don’t want anyone to think they aren’t important to me. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and realize I didn’t call 12 people back - 3 of them are my kids. I havent seen my “bestie” Sydney since the dawn of time. Havent seen the little boys in even longer. I love you all so much please please don’t give up on me.

Home

 Home…. Is that moment when I found out I was having a baby… and my child’s father was happy. 

Home is the church we got married in filled with all of our loved ones 

Home is looking at someone and seeing your entire future in their smile

Home is poker nights at the Hulls 

Home is “God Bless you and keep you this day today and always” from a woman I always wished was my mom. 

Home is waking to fresh coffee in the morning 

Home is my kids arms around my neck when they are tiny and across my shoulders when they were grown 

Home is “I believe in you sunshine” 

Home is “go like this….. you’re a liar and a fat mouth 😂

Home is finally getting that Tranny put back in and driving to Michigan 

Home is watching the sunrise… in yosemite or Santa Barbara or Vegas or cheapskate hill… with maxx

Home is the air being cranked way too low and a long nap in the lap of my Beeb. 

Home is Gilmore girls on repeat because every… last… scene is you and I 

Home is a pressure washer being your most prized possession

Home is 4 miles 

Home is the joy and torment of raising this creature with blonde hair and blue eyes and the voice of an angel

Home is pop rock Oreos 

Home is “stop the carrrrr” 

Home is not having to cry every day because I miss them 

I want to go home

Manipulation

 “All people do all day is try an manipulate each other!” “You’re the most Manipulative person I know” “I see your manipulation, and I don’t like it”. 

The origin of the word manipulate comes from the root Latin and later French word “manipulus” which means “handful”. 

2a: to manage or utilize skillfullyquantify our data and manipulate it statistically— S. L. Payne

b: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantagebeing used and manipulated by the knowing men around him— New Republic

3: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose : DOCTORsuspected that the police reports were manipulated— Evelyn G. Cruickshanks

Even the more negative definitions use the word artful, or skillful, not necessarily underhanded. 

As humans we have been granted free will. This is why it can be said that everyone only does what they want. Even if it may not seem like it, no one can force anyone else to do anything. There are thousands of factors that are going to help determine what we want. There are hundreds of thousands of opportunities to change someone’s determination of what they want. 

When humans are in the toddler stage, the manipulation begins. Parents and caregivers use dozens of various forms of discipline, reward systems, and reactions to communicate how it is we want the toddler to perform. This by its very nature is a form of manipulation. Our purpose, as parents is, at least we believe, not only for the good of the child but an absolute necessity for survival. Eat your vegetables and you will get a treat. Vegetables equal good health, vital nutrients for life, and getting our children to eat them is absolutely necessary. “Getting our children to…” 

As we get older the manipulation becomes reciprocal. Child believes she wants a new toy (by the way who manipulated her into wanting it?) so she acts in a way to change or manipulate her parents to buy her this toy. She may start by using her best manners, doing her schoolwork, keeping her room tidy. If this form of manipulation is successful she is given what she wanted and will either a: stop manipulating until she wants something else or b: continue the behavior knowing there is something else she will want eventually. 

If the manipulation tactics are not successful however, she will most likely turn to other forms of manipulation. She may beg, she may cry, she may even act out in defiance depending on the history of the parents reaction to this. In some cases parents, either because of sheer lack of resources ie: time, energy, or patience will respond to these forms of manipulation by giving the child what she wants! The resulting chaos of having given in to such obviously inappropriate attempts at manipulation are profound. Children are human after all although sometimes we doubt this. It’s almost as black and white as a math equation. Child will continue in whichever behavior gets her what she wants. 

I’ve heard many parents say “my child only behaves in the way I want them to when they want something. “Well… Doesn’t everyone only behave in the way everyone else wants them to when they want something? 

Bare with me here. Is the actual problem, when someone is upset or feels as though they are being manipulated, that the performance isn’t up to par? Maybe when people complain about their kids acting a certain way it’s because the kids are not quite manipulating in the right way. I know most people don’t want to accept the fact that their kids are manipulating them. But in reality what parents want is for their kids to do a better job of it. 

Even if what you want is quite basically for other people to stay in your life or to be around someone else or for someone else to pay attention to you, we as humans are constantly looking for the way in which we need to act or manipulate others in order to get what we want from them.

So the questions, in every relationship, we are essentially asking each other are: 

what is it you want from me and what are you willing to do to get it? 

what do I need to do for you or how do I need to behave to get what I want ? 

are you willing to do what I want you to do or behave the way I want you to behave in order to keep me around? 

How must I behave in order to get you to stay?  

So where pray tell does Love fall in all of this? Why do we love who we love? Do you actually love me or or you just telling me you do in order to get what you want. This is where people get confused. My kids are human, and I am human, therefore I try and teach them The way in which I want them to perform in order to get what they want from me. The very very core part of this that’s not manipulation is that sometimes the reason they want to look to me to provide what they want is because they love me. Most kids has many people in their life who can provide what they want for me it is a privilege when they choose me to be the sad provider. Number one because it shows they know I’m capable, number two it shows in general that they understand me and that they know I understand them and number three I’m happy to provide what they want because I usually get happiness out of whatever performance I’m expecting.  I don’t gain happiness from watching other people’s kids become good drivers, I am happy when my own kids are good drivers. My kids want to drive, therefore they choose to show me they are good drivers, this makes me happy, so I give them what they want to be able to drive.

I’ve recently noticed that it’s becoming more obvious to me as an adult what each adult and my life is hoping to get from me. Some of them want me attention some want my help some just want someone to talk to or someone they can trust. A lot of people appreciate my problem solving skills and advice and that is such a compliment to me. Some people genuinely like my company. They like how they feel when they are around me. It’s really only when I cannot figure out what someone wants that I begin to panic. The rejected by her parents little girl comes out and goes into fight or flight mode. Because I am so intently self aware, at least I believe I am, it’s way more productive to be up front in communicating what it is you want from me right at the start. I will tell you exactly the forms of manipulation work best for me 😉

Flying...

 I wrote this a while back... 

So... on the subject of flying... as you all know I'm a mermaid. We swim. However I'm considering a career change to a monkey? In the meantime I'm a bird. Airlines have got to be the most unproductive behind the times business ive seen. I arrive at fresno air terminal 2 hours ahead. Since I'm a rule follower these days. At approximately half an hour before my flight to Phoenix is scheduled to board we are told that Phoenix has grounded us. Ordering us to wait to board until 430. We are scheduled to leave at 4. This puts us 1 hour past schedule. I have 45 minutes in Phoenix between the time my plane lands and the next flight is scheduled to begin boarding. This means basically when I get off the plane i will have less than 5 minutes to get to my next flight before the door closes. As you may realize I am currently disabled. The pilot is standing there at the gate and he and I banter back and forth about knowing doc brown haha. Then he proceeds to tell me this has been going on with Phoenix for months. What I witness next is a scene out of a movie as 35 people from my flight headed to various parts of the country come to the gate to ask how much time they will have to make it to the next flight. A woman starts crying because she will miss the birth of her grandchild,  a lawyer starts to panic about not making a trial. I am mildly annoyed but # 1 I run on the power of positive thinking and im already picturing myself making it onto my connecting flight #2 my boss has a track record of sending "angels" to help me and #3 its just not that serious. So the flight leaves over an hour late, no one has any idea if they are going to make it (btw im just using logic but would american airlines rather pay for 35 plus hotel rooms or have one plane wait 10 minutes?) Anyway. The people on my flight happen to be absolutely cool and helping each other out, letting those of us who need to make a flight first leave, yelling out which gate to go to it was so cool.) I exit the plane, my chair is there with the sweetest young Jamaican guy and I calmly asked him if he had any experience with with NASCAR or driving in LA. Blank blink....?? "I have to make it to b28 before they shut the door and I dont know if it's already shut so im gonna need you to push quick :-)" he says ok. Hes weaving in and out around toddlers and old people- impressed even me and I worked at dennys! Suddenly he comes up behind an impasse...3pilots, walking at a semi slow pace, side by side.. "geeezuuuus" I hear my Jamaican nascar driver mutter under his breathe and before I even think about it I hear this very loud, but pleasant, and assertive sing song voice come out of my very own mouth "single file please gentlemen!" And like a dance they glance at me, and move single file and we zoom to the gate. As we get to the gate I recognize my new lawyer friend who is headed to Milwaukee.  I hear him saying to the obviously frazzled gate attendant "johnson is here too! Dont leave without her!" Ha! The attendant yells out "gimme your boarding passes and just sitting down wherever!" I hand my driver a tip tell him he is fantastic,  look at the flight attendant and refuse my crutches "shes gonna hop! " ...and now I arrive in Phoenix in time. I think I will stick to swimming and climbing for a while after this trip.I 

The one who got away (from a few years ago).

 Very recently I talked to a person you could consider "the one who got away". I turned him down in hs. He was sweet to me, so cute, and the connection was there. My life would have been VERY different if I had said yes. His life would have been different. I do not live my life with regret. I can think of very few times when I’ve layed my head in my hands and really ached about my decision making. I haven’t had an easy life. Some might say I can only blame myself. I picked men not based on compatibility but on what I believed was chemistry but really it was probably me looking for validation. Not that said “one who got away” wasnt validating me-he was, but maybe because he wasnt broken, didnt NEED me, he knew his own self worth instead of feeling hopeless like SOME of my other love selections, I was scared to let him in. Ladies; don't be like Jenn. Find a man who knows and respects himself,  knows his own worth along with seeing yours. Dont fall into the “oh but I need to save someone “ trap. You dont need to save anyone and they dont need to save you. That's not something healthy to base a relationship or especially a marriage on. Pick someone your dad would pick for you. Pick the person who’s nice to your mom, and carries her bags ALL the way to the train door, ( Justin Gereg ) Pick someone who matches your drive, your moral compass, and your loyal nature. Pick someone who keeps you on your toes and inspires you to be your best you.

Papa revised

 I wrote this a few years ago but revised it. 

After much thought pretty much all day... about who I am,  where I am,  uncles etc were/are millwrights. He had been working for days with no sleep And most likely had fallen asleep at the wheel. 

My grandparents were an integral part of raising me, my mom was very young and my dad wasnt around.I didnt even see my dad or hear from him for 8 very important years growing up. My nana and papa were always there for me. I spent every summer with them, many other holidays, lived with them at times. At times papa had a desk job for the union i believe. He would give me his business card. I was home alone a lot and I would call him at work. Now, as an adult, I can see how important that is. .. I was calling this man during business meetings and he would stop everything to answer his phone and talk to me, between 7 and 10 years old, I would ramble on about who knows what,  and I’d say "ok papa I love you" and he would say "love you too kid". 

When I was 15 I got suspended from school. He was in the area and he came to visit. He walks into my room, looks at me with this amused gleam in his eye, pulls 50 bucks from his pocket.  "heres some mad money since your mom’s mad at you"  and winks at me and leaves.

To this day I parent my kids with him in mind. His laugh, his generosity, his work ethic, all passed down from him to me and carried on down. The way Sarah works so hard, Sydneys sense of generosity, Bradley’s ability to see right through people’s BS, even the blue eyes, all from him. 

I was 16 when I left my mom’s  house.  I was lost... getting drunk every night with older kids... cutting school,  as a matter of fact when I got the call it was 8am and I was sitting in a diner still partially drunk. A number on my pager kept coming up and I called my nana from a pay phone. "Papa was in an accident" ... 

I said “well what hospital is he in?” and she just started crying. I barely remember my knees giving out and sinking to the floor before someone caught me. I woke up at their 40 acre property I grew up on, in the house he built with his own two hands, the riding  lawn mower he had let me learn on sitting in the field, the Ford escort he had planned on making into my first car, (including a roll cage and harness😂)  still out by the creek. Thousands of projects left undone,  and an apple core on the nightstand. I slept in the bed with nan and sensed him (even saw him once) coming to check on us every night about   3:17 am. 

Today I was reading about how a woman feels about her daddy. He’s the first man she ever loved, and no man after will ever fill his shoes.  My daughters I’m sure could tell you that’s true but I hadn’t ever been able to relate to that honestly. Then I was reading about people who lose a parent early in life. The lightbulb went on. I am a woman who lost her daddy when she was a child. If he had actually been my dad, someone most likely would have put me through some sort of grief counselling or at the very least been more understanding but lots of people lose their grandparents. For all intents and purposes, in my little girl full of sunshine heart, HE WAS MY DAD.  He was my person. He should have been there to walk me down the aisle (although I am forever grateful for my step dad Brad Morrow, for taking that job and for being the best step dad almost like a real dad ever) and to take my boys fishin. Hell, he should have been there to see Sarah walk down the aisle. He was a marine once and oh would he have loved Justin. 

 They say “the death of a parent has a signigant impact for 30 years. “ Childhood grief is “one of society’s most chronically painful yet most underestimated phenomena,” says Comfort Zone founder Lynne Hughes, who lost both her parents before she was 13. She says she is worried that educators, doctors, and the clergy get little or no training to help them recognize signs of loneliness, isolation and depression in grieving children—and in adults who lost parents in childhood.

I realize no one can understand what im going through, but this was probably the most pivotal moment in my life. I can’t  stand being alone, am constantly looking for validation from men in my life,  am terrified of being abandoned.  So many more issues... “life is the future not the past” but it’s good to get an idea, of why we feel and react the way we do.  This article I read said “71% of adults who lost their parents early would give up a year of their lives for one more day”. I would give 5 years for an hour with my papa. I think of him every single day. It never gets easier. All I can hope is that I love and love in a way that I honor his memory, and that I learn from his lessons. Cherish your parents. Please. Someday you will wish you had.